A lot of emotions have been coming up lately. And I mean A LOT. The entire effing spectrum; ecstasy, anger, jealousy, gratitude, overwhelm, shock, depression, anxiety - literally name anything. Two weeks ago, I noticed myself getting especially triggered by Instagram. I was spending too much time on it, not creating anything and mindlessly consuming everyone else's content. Getting sucked into the Instagram K-hole, escaping into other people's realities. & it started to make me feel overly critical of things that I wanted to share, too concerned with how they would be received & then just not posting at all. Clearly not being authentic. And then of course, constantly comparing myself & my life to everything & everyone that I was seeing. On super bowl Sunday, I remember laying in bed feeling totally defeated, thinking that my life was pathetic compared to everyone else. That I hadn't achieved enough, hadn't created anything meaningful or influential. Am I living a life that feels authentic? Blah blah blah. On the spot, I deleted Instagram off my phone - thinking it was the problem. I told myself I'd go without it for a week and see how I'd feel. And honestly, it was so desperately needed for so many reasons. But up until yesterday, I didn't realize that Instagram itself wasn't actually the problem and deleting it wasn't the solution (though it really did help and I totally suggest everyone try it for at least a few days!). The problem was/is still entirely rooted in the level of my self-worth. Instagram will always have its faults and it is inherently triggering but for me, it was just amplifying all of the deeeeep, unhealed insecurities that I've never fully faced. But truly believed that I have been working on. Guess not...
Bc yesterday, I had a full-blown meltdown. The first in a really long time. I spent like 80% of the day crying for literally no reason. Nothing had actually happened. I was basically just throwing a series of fits for things not flowing smoothly like I'd imagined when I set my intentions for the day (I know exactly how wannabe 'woke' this sounds but its true haha). But o m g.. the feelings it brought up.. woah. I somehow convinced myself that my not being able to find a parking spot or get fresh bananas or workout meant that my entire life up until that point has been a failure & God doesn't exist & neither does love. It was fuuuucking heavy. But for absolutely NO reason! Which is just hilarious in hindsight. Anyway, I cried laying down, looking up at a bunch of palm trees, a clear blue sky, & listening to birds singing and waves crashing. And I KNEW how insane it was to be feeling so emotional when I clearly had soooo much to be grateful for and that just made me all the more frustrated with myself haha ughhh. Then it started drizzling and it just couldn't have gotten anymore storybook. I had to admit to myself that it was the most ironic "rock bottom" moment and in a few seconds, I somehow started to see my whole reality from a third person perspective. All of the things I've been ignoring or haven't been honest with myself about just kind of slapped me in the face. I realized that I, of course, have been subconsciously stunting my own growth and perpetuating self-limiting patterns (i.e not actually trying for the things or want / putting myself in the situations that will get me there / fully speaking my truth) out of fear that I am just not good enough to live the life that I want.
Ironically, I had laid down there planning to do some yoga. The reality is that I have all of the spiritual tools I could ever need in my toolbox, I just haven't really been using them. I haven't really been doing the *deep* work, even though I thought I was. Spiritual bypass much? Because if I was, none of those minor things would've even phased me. Still though, the universe works in funny ways (as we all know) and everything always happens for a reason. I needed that meltdown. It forced me to do some seeeerious reflecting. Sometimes your foundation needs to be rocked just to show you how to make it even stronger.
So today, I took some major time for myself. I switched things up & went somewhere totally different, put myself in new situations. And jeeeez the two days literally couldn't have been more different. My spirit guides kept popping in to say hi, putting m in some beautifully reassuring situations. And then it hit me that a major full moon is just around the corner. A Super Snow Full Moon in Virgo to be exact. Duh. Not only is this fun moon meant to be the biggest, brightest, & closest to the Earth the moon will be this whole year, it is in fucking Virgo - the most analytical, anxious, critical, self-deprecating yet perfectionist and high achieving sign in the zodiac. Basically the most judgmental high-strung mom showing up to call you out on allllll of your half-assing & imperfections. Everything I was feeling. And apparently a lot of others. A huge round of applause to the moon for fucking with our emotions without warning yet again ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ ( BTW If you've been feeling it too, def check out this video. It is beyond spot on.)
But as much as I love blaming the moon or Instagram or my dad or my shy bank account (lordt help meee), the problem (and solution!!) will only ever be me and how I choose to feel about myself.
The Takeaway: Take s p a c e for yourself to reflect and observe right now. Take time to do the things that make you feel totally yourself. Put action towards your biggest, most "far-fetched" life goals and NEVER question or rationalize them. There is a reason that you are who you are & that you want what you want & you deserve to find out what that reason is & how its meant to support the Collective. & Building up that self-worth starts by completely nourishing and loving yourself in sustainable, healthy ways.
Being honest with ourselves isn't always pretty but it sure as hell keeps us growing.
PS. Here's a dose of some loving, conscious vibes to calm our fried nervous systems and set the mood for some much needed intention setting this full moon. Hope you like it!
Catherine Xx